Friday, January 2, 2009

New Year's Resolution for me, and for everybody else.

I hope everyone had a lovely Pork and Sauerkraut, or its Kosher or Vegetarian or Pescatarian or Vegan or Cheap or Non-Sauerkraut-Based alternative. In ringing in old Twenty-Ought-Nine, I have resolved to say "Ought-Nine" all year. I've shamefully neglected to call the previous years of this decade the "Ought-Somethings" and hang my head for the eight-year oversight. It's going to be 92 years till I get the chance to do so again, and just in case something comes up and I forget, I'm gonna try to do my part to compensate.

My resolution for everyone else, but mostly for the media outlets, is thus:

STOP sending me a headline every time the world's oldest person dies. It happens like every week, and it's damned depressing. What do you expect? It's the oldest person in the world! If you send me a message every time the world's ugliest person gets laid, or every time the world's stingiest person writes a big charity check or when Amy Winehouse has moment of thoughtful lucidity, THAT's news. But you journalists out there, cramming my frontpage with your "World's Oldest Person Dies Yet Again (Can She Be Stopped?) and your "Sky Still Blue, Scientists Report" and interrupting my soap opera to tell me that "Linkin Park Worst Band Ever" are not doing me any favors.