Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Michael Jackson Finally Gets Nose, 8 Babies He Always Wanted

Some people think this nutty monster looks like Angelina Jolie.

I respectfully disagree.

I was fine with this Thing for a long time and I reserved judgment till I read all the stuff out there. I didn't buy into the spin and I gave the Thing a chance to prove herself...that is, until the Thing's publicist submitted this statement to USA Today.

I'm calling for universal intolerance for this woman and her 14 hopeless bastards.

She says she's being unfairly judged because she's a single mother. I say she's being unfairly accommodated because she's a single mother. If there was some grinning idiot standing next to her in the newspaper picture and saying "Yeap! Me an' the missus is jest pleased as punch, ain't we momma?" you would roll your eyes and skip to the crossword.

And now she wants to raise them Christian? First of all (Pat Robertson can use this for free), every Arab witch that ever used Satan's Magic to conjure up 14 abominations and spat in the face of Holy Wedlock has used that "I'm raising them Christian" line to avoid the righteous retribution of the Inquisitorial Rack.

Seriously though, any individual or firm that donates any cash, product or service to this woman should be denied a tax writeoff and probably audited just for good measure. If Suleman ever uses a dime of public funding to get a master's degree to pay for her 14 brats, her transcripts, exams and homework should be made public record. If she applies for a job, her applications and interviews as well as those of her competing candidates should be available for scrutiny and comparison. Any company that gives her a book deal or a TV show before her kids have turned 25 (and been thoroughly evaluated) should have its whole imprint boycotted.

Any mother in the natural kingdom, faced with an unsustainable litter of whelps like that, would do the noble thing and eat at least one or two of them for the good of the pride. I don't see any reason why we should accept anything less from this one.

Monday, February 9, 2009

News in Brief

Check this out.

-The link above shows a worldwide poll to determine how the world would vote for the US president. I just rolled across this, although of course it's months old. I don't want to spoil the turnout if you haven't seen it, but guess what, Mack? Macedonia loves you!

-Everyone in Chicago should come check me out in Verbatim Verboten every monday through the 23rd at 9pm. It's filthy and raucous and I'll be doing Shatner and Elton John and hopefully Christian Bale, among others.

-Max Cola from the Jewel-Osco is the best thing you can get for a quarter. I'm gonna have a baby or at least a fish and name it Max Cola Dodds.